Dr. Mom orders up sunshine

Well Dr. MOM says ,we need some sunshine today, so we have been out pruning bushes, transplanting and mowing the lawn. Now we will go get rock for the front and flowers and then we will start inside the house. Today's goal for school is to get History done for both girls. Felt the sunshine would be a good thing for MLK as she started her day a little rough but not bad.

Dave has a big week for Redbox this week, but the church schedule is pretty normal. My house is a pit but the outside is getting done first need to get some fresh air myself. Well more later hope to post a picture of a frog MDK found.

Off to get flowers!

Monday morning

All is quiet in the Kaster household. I just finished the dishes. Last night we all went to the laundrymat and caught up on the laundry. Switching out winter and summer clothes hopefully today. Have another tote to fold and put away. Cleaned my room last night. Awana is done, yeah! Lawn needs mowed really badly today. Want to make bread but dont think I will get around to it today.

Dave cried last night, I have only seen him cry at the loss of his Grandpa's. He was finally just overwhelmed with it all. I hope it was a release for him, but guys cry very rarely and when they do, I am not sure that it does the same for them.

The homeschool conference went badly as both girls decided to be brats about it. I was so upset and came home early, it has been a highly emotional week/month. Dave was very upset and disappointed that they wouldnt let me have this one thing.

Hoping this week brings good weather as I would like to get out flowers and start in the garden. My bleeding hearts are up and going and blooming.

Well better get off and get around and get some more stuff done.

we are going

The girls and I are going to the Homeschool Conference, it is a decent compromise and I am glad for it. I know that this is such a silly thing, but it is just a bit of normal that I would like to have. Besides I need the uplifting that I know I will get today.

The girls and I are staying in a motel with a swimming pool looking forward to that also!!! Dave because of the extra hospital stay is unable to come with but I am okay with that.

MLK and us had a family meeting a very productive one, she had a real breakthrough the night before in group and was called on the carpet that she was not being honest with them or with herself on her real reasons and was doing the steps so she could get out. She said she has never cried that hard before and after that felt really good. My gut says she finally admitted to herself what she needed to. If she doesnt tell me that is okay, she just must be truthful with herself. I also see her warming up to God. Some of her anger has subsided towards him also. She was able to come home after that.

They put her on a mood stablizer medicine which is effective right now, she seems to think it has helped more that the anti depressent. We will see what her regular psychatrist says.

So glad to pick up MDK, she also was able to confront MLK about how she felt for the first time really and that helped normalize things for her. So looking forward to one week with all of us at home.

House is rough around the edges but I am okay with that! Just glad we are all together again. MDK made spaghetti last night for all of us we watched Star Trek and just chilled out together ahhh such a simple thing but so heartwarming.

Will life still be rough, oh yeah but I am going to enjoy the small stuff for now.

only YOU can prevent forest fires

Now isnt that a dorky title for this section. MLK is back in the hospital again. She is mad at us for having her there. We explained to her that only she can prevent going back. That means she must do the hard work. Only her can keep her alive. I can only support and love, I can not make her live. It is her life and she must must decide to live it.

The visit with her last night was rough, we had to explain to her that she cant only give lip service she must must must do the hard things, because she avoided the hard stuff we are back at square one. She must do it, not avoid it.

I had my worst day since it all started, I feel better now as I cried till my whole body shoke and I was trying to throw up from crying. I stood in the shower just shaking with tears and trying to throw up, beating my head agaisnt the shower door and yelling. I was physically weak after that. Dave dropped me off at Walmart while he went to his meeting, I tooted around in one of those carts, as I was dizzy and after a few hours felt human again. I have been eating alot of protien stuff, quess I need the extra zap for now.

MDK has been out and about with the extended family I am so exicitied about getting her. I miss my girls.

The homeschool conference is a no go I am disappointed about that.

pony up

Well things always come around, MLK was unable to spend the night at her friends house last night, why because her school work was not all done. And for once she really got it that it was her fault not Mom the meanies fault but one of her own doing. She had to sallow hard on that one. She finally got it, I may have some hope after all. I have tried this many times before, but the way she has responded before is that I am just mean, this time she got it, she made the mess and she got smacked with the result. Hopefully this will help her think through things more. I can always hope.

MDK is gone with Gma Viv, needs a break from the roller coaster ride we have all had. Last night MLK went to a youth outing, but then came home due to not having her homework done. She seemed to have a good time, we went and got a new back screen door and had a nice time just talking.

I am finally getting around to doing my CEU online stuff, should take me about a week or two to catch up, but if I am dilligent I should be able to get alot done.

So looking forward to the homeschool conference. Cant wait!

earthquakes

Wow an earthquake, never felt it however, must truely be a sound sleeper. Made it through a very rough day yesterday with MLK hoping today will be lots better. It is such a tricky balance now being a parent. Do I push do I stall, do I dont I???????? Too many different questions bump around in my head, where did I go wrong, the guilt the feelings of me causing her to do this, are a constant companion at times. I am constantly frustrated and angry with so much confusion on how to parent her now. Then I worry how much am I screwing up MDK?????? This has been so hard.Where does a parent go to resign?????

I long for normal, I long to be engaged with my girls without a pink elephant sitting in the middle of our living room. I want to stop second quessing myself, I want to be a good parent, and I feel like a flunkie. This seems to be a safe spot to vent and vent. I now my posts have been rather negative lately. I dont know where else to turn, if I vent at home then MLK has issues with it, if I vent Dave tries to "fix" it (true man there). I dont have friends that have walked this path. I just want to feel like I am doing something right!!!!! Ugh!

Today we take MDK to meet Gma Viv so she can see her we promised her when everything happened that this would be happening, time for me to pony up. She stayed with her during the crisis and wanted to stay longer so we promised another trip later. I am just so mad this morning, I dont know why mad is the choice of emotions for the day but it sure is. I woke up mad, quess it is part of the process. I am so mad that she took a sledge hammer to her own life and to those around her.

Well better get off before I throw the computer.

rough week with MLK

Well MLK is having a very rough week, it has been a true rollercoaster ride, I quess maybe with three or four weeks and that many counseling sessions we are getting down to the nitty gritty. I am trying to just make it through the days. MDK is going to see Gma Viv for a few days just to get a break from the drama this is creating. I am just plain worn out from it.

Recieved a nice gift from Mom and Dad which will so help out with the medical bills. Got new glasses yesterday that I am to wear all the time, this means I am old right? Well better finish folding the laundry.

red stains on the carpet

Well sometimes you think they are grown up and then you know. My 13 year old decided to paint something red on the living room carpet while we were at church for FPU. I always allow her the hour and a half to do her own thing at home alone. Usually not a problem. I am amazed that she didnt think through that. Ugh, not sure how we are going to get that out.

We only have one more session for FPU it has been a great program for us and our church, we hope to do it again this fall. Dave had two or three counseling session done yesterday. I had alot of errands, first MLK went to Dr. A yesterday and then I got new glasses (yes I am old), swung by Walmart and then home. We then took tires to get the front two changed on my vehicle.

Today plan to get caught up on grades and make final battle plans to finish off most of the curriculm. We will be slowly knocking one off after another.

I am hoping next week to get caught up on my online workshop I am doing for my CEUs. Well better go for now.

green grass

Ahh it does my soul good to see green grass and budding trees, it has been a long winter in more than one way. I have had so many changes in this last year it could make your head spin.

Well I have been home now for about four months and I thought I would evaluate how things are going. First of all I have pretty much caught up with all the schoolwork and feel really good about that, need to get some grades in and finish up some portfolios but all in all that is doing well. Must admit right now with all of MLK issues just getting it done is the goal, I am not enjoying it as much as I had, due to all the craziness. Cleaning, well got about half I wanted done finished already. Church work for Dave, I have done alot of his little stuff but have not gotten to paint and organize like I wanted so that is what has not gotten done at all.

Want to get in my garden really bad, but still too wet and cold. My roses I bought are looking beautiful!! Yesterday helped Dave on the route and took school on the road, Daves left side is not doing well, it is one of those dips he suffers from. Hopefully some extra rest will help. Really enjoyed Mom and Dad being down. The dresser MDK got is gorgeous!! It has such a unique curvy front. One of a kind piece. I love that my girls will have homemade or refinished pieces from their grandpa. It is something they will treasure forever. Well better get on with my day!

a good day and engaging

Today was good for my soul, it was so nice to have Mom and Dad down. Dad took care of my stump and now I am burning it down to put a strawberry patch in. We also were able to sit around and talk, we did laundry. It was nice to see them and just hang. We also made chicken and noodles, yum!

The yellow roses I bought at Aldi are gorgeous just beautiful. Hope to get a pic of them but had to recharge my batteries from my camera.

Trying to get MLK to engage it is hard as she is having days when she does really good and then she has these days when she crawls inside of herself. Going to talk Dr. A wednesday about this.

Well better get off.

Sundays are hard for me dont know why

Sundays have proven to be the most emotional for me, I just get all weepy since that awful day. I don't know or understand why. I quess I feel safe, Dave is around, my church family is there for me, my Lord touches my heart on those days. I decided not to go to Awana tonight, between my weepy day and my kidney hurting ( wondering if it is a stone), I decided to stay home. I think I am finally feeling a little safer to process some of my emotions about everything.

Did some interpreting this last week, should get paid for it soon. Will use it at the homeschool conference. Looking forward to that!! The family is all going, stay in a hotel with a swimming pool.

Mom and Dad are coming tommorow, trying to get the house in order for that. It is a little rough around the edges due to all the garage sale sitting we did. The girls and I worked a day and half at that. We had a profit of almost 500 dollars so that went really well. It will help towards camp. My room is bad it seems to be the catch all for everything.

Well more later!

garage sales, tornadoes, and rollercoasters

Well lets start today with garage sales, we have been doing a youth fundraiser in town they have city wide garage sale, luckily we have an enclosed place because it was cold cold yesterday, however we sold about 285 dollars yesterday, hope we do that well today, the girls were good help and during the down times we got all our school work done. We plan to go in today also.

Tornado we had one a mile on either side of us well actually it was the same tornado jumping up and down, it was a small one, but it destroyed one house in St. Joe, ripped up two or three trees, jumped our church let down again on and caused structure damage on the other side.

Rollercoaster rides, aka changing meds wow that has been difficult for MLK, but the doctor felt that she was not doing very good with the meds at all. Changed her to Zoloft and she seems to be responding better, she is sleeping sounder and seems more level, doesnt have bad dry mouth, really have to give it two weeks to notice a real change but I think it is better, but the last two days was a rollercoaster ride with her emotions all over the map.

I had my meds adjusted upwards but now I am tired, I will stay at this level for awhile, I think I am just now emotionally breathing from all this so this may just be a physical response to the craziness.

Try two new recipies last night, easy cheeseburger pie, a real simple recipe, will tweak that to give it more pizzaz. Then we also made fried apples, they were delicious!!! Definately a winner there.

Trying hard to finish off the school year, some of the winds out of my sails, usually I enjoy it alot and I still do, but for MLK just finishing up the school year will be good. We have talked and we are just doing the bare minimum needed to finish the school year. We will finish each book but will not do above and beyond what is required for her. I am looking forward to the Homeschool Conference at the end of this month. We are all going as a family.

Mom and Dad are coming over this Monday, looking forward to that also.

got to get a treat

Well saved up some of my interpreting money and got to buy something we have wanted for a long time. A tiller(Troy-bilt), I am so exicitied. now I can play in the dirt, very seriously. It was 400 dollars, which is alot of money but not for a Troy bilt, I looked on the website and it was 800 for the smallest one and this one prices at 1000. It still has the red paint on the tills. It is barely been used. I am exicited, the little one that Mom and Dad gave me is not doing so hot, I think I wore it plum out, it is not suppose to cover that much land. I am going to send it home with Dad to see if he can fix it without it costing too much.

Our taxes came out to be 16oo we had saved 1500 for them so we are doing okay. We drew a sigh of relief over that. Starting to get bills from the hospital stay for MLK, kinda waiting to let the insurance dust settle and see where we land on that. They will take their place in line with the other medical debt. We pay everyone something and then pay one person a big bunch.

Planning on going to Jeff City for MLK choir tour reunion and then off again at the end of the month for the homeschool conference.

MDK had a wonderful birthday, we got her a camera and earrings, she got alot of girly stuff at her birthday party, and had a blast.

We cleaned and fixed on cars this weekend, we tore off the the droppy cieling thing in the blue car and scrapped fuzz and then we painted it black, looks like there is new fabric up instead of just black paint, works for us. Dont laugh it is paid for, actually we own all three cars free and clear. We are hoping to be debt free (if we stay out of hospitals) by the end of this year maybe or around Feb of next year. My coming home doesnt seem to affect us that much, I think between gas and work related expenses and the income I am making working freelance, we have not noticed it as much. I also cook more and we do less expensive things. The insurance cost has gone down since we got on Redbox too.

I thought when I quit it would really mess with how we felt we were living but all in all it has made so many things easier. I am here to man the ship and that helps alot.

Still reeling from MLK suicide attempt, do good and then I have a horrible day here and there, yesterday evening I just had this intense sadness come over me. You just sometimes feel like you are the most horrible mother on the planet. Sometimes I get just steaming mad also. Still a roller coaster, this week she sees her psychtrist on Tuesday and her counselor on Wed.

Denise and Kevin are having a pig butchered for us for 100 bucks (he works hog refinement) that will be a money saver also. Been checking out websites called Hillibly Housewive and Living on a Dime, kinda fun internet surfing. Internet surfing is what I do when everyone else is sleeping and I am up in the middle of the night.

Well better go

I think I survived

I think I survived, wow seven girls, giggling crazy girls, they all had a blast. MLK and friend L. were the hostess/waitress They went to asleep early. The birthday gang was up late doing their purse craft giggling, they watched Nancy Drew ate popcorn. Early they made pizza and fruit salad and did a punch with sugar rimmed glasses, it was a cool birthday.

Dave and I peeled off the fabric on the ceiling off the blue car and then painted it black. We also cleaned out the garage and the purple car and the other car that we will be selling.

Well must get the truckload of girls through the bathroom.

cleaning for a birthday party

Well yesterday MDK and I cleaned and cleaned, and then she went out with our youth pastor's wife and they shopped and went to the Olive Garden. She is going for the third time tommorow with Aunt Denise! She said she had five bowls of salad last night (back when she was two she ordered "alad" with "wite") some things don't change. Then she picked up supplies for her birthday party, she has cordinated and fixed and bossed us all around all day yesterday and today. Denise was here this morning to help with the church but she was the only girl here so she came in and helped us getting MDK room done. It looks nice, the basement is the only spot that needs some real help.

MLK is having a better day today, it is a roller coaster ride for all of us but am glad she is having a good day with the bday party going on this afternoon. We are having a gaggle of girls over. One is here age and the others are younger, she really enjoys a wide variety of ages, and I am glad for that.

Dave has gotten alot of snot due to allergies right now, so he is not sleeping well, and is feeling a tad rundown.

This coming week I work two complete days. It will be good money. We are planning to go down to the homeschool conference at the end of the month.

Well better get the rest of the day going. Plan to get some pics of the party and post that.

riding riding

MLK was having an off day so we all packed it in and went on the road with Dave yesterday. We got all but one subject a piece done. We will do that this morning. We went and did church work and then we did Redbox. A lady in our church had her kidney removed so we went down to Saint Luke's and then we were off and going to do Redbox. Dave did St. Joe yesterday so we went to the library while we were in town.

MLK went to her first counseling session on Wed. she did not like "people roaming around inside my head" she has been angry with us for taking her and that we will continue to take her. She wants everything to still go back to normal. We told her she will proably be in counseling for awhile. She is not happy about that.

MDK and all of us are getting ready for her birthday party this weekend. May I survive all the girls!!! We are cleaning today, this is her birthday day off. If I survive this birtday then I will blog later.

math, clam shells, mama and baby ducks

Feel alot like blogging today. We have been trying to get lots of sunshine, so we went out to Pony Express lake this morning. It was so nice and there were a ton of baby geese out there about as big as your hand. They were soooo cute!!!!! We found a slew of clam shells that were scattered in a big round circle, I think a gull had a feast!!!

We just finished Math, and we also visited two of our elderly people from our congretation this morning. They have had it rough with such a long winter. They are both glad to see the sunshine and birds.

Off to see MLK counselor this afternoon.

snowed under

We are just about done in around here, with all that has happened, we just got our taxes done and we will owe almost 4000 dollars. We had saved some due to Redbox at the end of last year being contracted. This will take everything we saved, our emergency fund and all the money I got from interpreting. It was a hit in the gut. We have it to pay it but it just seems that we cant stand up without getting plowed over again and again. The biggest culprit is the way they started paying us at the church. It really has us paying through the nose on taxes. Enough whining on that front, it doesnt change anything.

We did tons of schoolwork yesterday and things went well. Some rough getting started but after that it zoomed right along. We have been trying to get out and walk when it is nice out.

MDK cucumbers are starting to come through the soil she is so exicitied, we started a whole bunch of things inside and she is like a mother hen with them. She is so exicitied to see them grow. We have all sorts of flowers and some veggies we are growing. MDK is planning her birthday party and MLK is helping her with the decorations.

MLK and I went to a revival meeting at First Baptist last night. Today she goes to the counselor for the first time. Haven't got the bills yet from the hospitals, it should be interesting when they do come. I will have to 20 dollar them to death for awhile. She seems to be responding to her meds well. We see the psych. next week.

Well better get around.

another day

Well last night we had another family pow wow. Dave did most of the talking, he talked about respect and looking out for each other, and how if we are not careful in this crisis we will pull apart as a family. He got alot of things off his chest and so did MDK. MDK was able to unload that she was scared that MLK was going to die on the way to the hospital and alot of other things. MLK is starting to emerge, she is seeing what she did through other peoples eyes and she is getting in touch with how and what brought her to that point. She sees the counselor this Wed. she has been talking to Bob about spirtual things also. We have been trying to have pow wow about every three days. It is still a little raw as everyone processes at different times and rates.

Today we will be putting our nose to the grindstone as far as school work is concerned and getting the house in order for MDK birthday this weekend. I have slept through the night twice in a row, I am thinking that upping my meds helped with that. Maybe pure exhaustion also helps. It helps make the day seem more hopeful when you actually rest. I am hoping the sun comes out today and we go out for a walk. We may start the day with a nature walk at King Lake.

Still struggling with where did we go wrong, why didnt I see it. My doctor is wonderful and sat and talked to Dave and us about all of it.

Church has been doing wonderful we had 140 with three new families there. It has been amazing to see what God is doing in our church.

Dave gave away Awana for the rest of the year, I think that is a good move for him, we only have three more meetings anyway.

Normal what is that now, and how do we get there that is the question. Well better get around for this day.